All of these entries up until the 27th of October are ripped from a google document journal, and were more for a "suicide letter" purpose than a blog-like approach. It's straight ripped from that document.
Never re-read or edited any of this, once it's in there it's staying. It's a showcase of how everything really unravelled and editing it would ruin the purpose.
As such this could be fully used for investigation into an inquiry in a coroner's court to press any needed charges.
A lot of it may be written in blind rage and be a bit vulgar or something but it only really outlines the pain I've felt towards the person at the time that I wrote it. Anyone who truly knows me in person knows a lot of it won't be me, rather an illness speaking. Which is sad.
Never before have I been this determined that my life is meaningless, there's nothing to it. The attempt to get help is shot down as I'm regarded as one of the fucking retards that flaunt their "Mental health" as if they have a problem when in reality they're little spastic snowflakes. I'm told that "because I'm smiling it can't be too bad!" after just describing how overdosing kills you. That attempt for help was made and is obviously going to go nowhere so what the fuck do I have left now? There's nothing in my future, at a certain point I was actually deterred from killing myself earlier due to someone - yet now that seems to be gone there is nothing holding me back. I feel as though I'm walking on dead air, dead time, I should have been dead on New years yet I'm still breathing right now.
And what for?...
I wonder what the reactions would be, to be honest, I think everyone does, you expect so many people to pretend that they cared when in reality they watched you drown and knew you were drowning. I expect there'll be many tears from people that in reality couldn't give two shits, them people would know who they are. In fact, I reckon barely anyone really gives a shit, certain people tell me they do constantly but then they seem as though they’re not even taking me seriously.
For the people that did show a shred of care or the people that I love (in the various ways I guess, could be friends or the classic) – have a good life, y'all deserve that. Me not being in it anymore isn't going to change a single thing about your futures, so you really haven't lost anything. For the one I did love, it ain't ya fault, thanks for the month I did love being on this shit hole planet. You gave my mind a rest for a little while and it was really amazing. I don't think I've ever been that consistently happy in my whole life, to be honest. I just hope you do move on easily knowing nothing was your fault. Don't let anyone use you or anything man and just keep going no matter what. You're amazing. I'm pretty much crying just writing this bit. I’ve never cried about anything before but I really feel like I’ve lost something. I wish I was able to fix us and I really wanted to try but you didn’t seem to want to I guess. Kept telling me it wasn’t my fault and if you didn’t lie to me about the reason then I guess it wasn’t, I wish you told me you felt that way about that stuff before man so I could have tried to fix it way before. The relationship really did mean so much to me and was the one thing I really wanted to try hard to keep going and keep right, yet it’s gone after a month, so what’s the point. It’s gone over nothing, literally nothing, neither of us did anything wrong, it’s just gone. I can’t live with that thought. That isn’t fair. So I won’t, because what is keeping me?
Man, was that breakup my fault? I practically forced you to admit that you didn’t love me, would you have kept trying if I wasn’t so rock bottom. I don’t know why I did it knowing that would be the end of me but I knew you weren’t completely happy, avoiding seeing me and making up excuses as to why you were busy and it tore at me knowing you weren’t happy with something so I hated myself for it and made you admit it. When you finally told me what was on your mind I feel even worse because it isn’t anything wrong with either of us, but you seem sure that it’ll never be the same again. Fuck man fuck that fuck fuck fuck trying. Say you’re still here for me and I still have you but I don’t I don’t I don’t. Gone and alone again ahhahah comes back around, of course, nothing good that happens to me can stay can it fucking shit
I’d do anything to fix that but it seems like every time I try I’m shot down. My lifeline fucking gone, I really have my whole world to give and want to give my whole world but I can’t and I can’t because of a stupid reason that is no one's fault. Why? Why is that fair? Why does that happen to me? Everything is already so shit then that happens? Fucking shit. Everything is fucking shit that happens to me what the fuck is the point in trying when it’s all so fucking shit. Man, I wasn’t good enough again for someone that promised me I always would be. After barely a month it’s all gone when I was promised a lifetime. Fuck that man fuck that fuck that. Told I was perfect and everything, so perfect that I became nothing after a month what the fuck why what changed say I did nothing wrong but something else must have gone wrong somewhere that can’t be the reason for me to become nothing holy shit why let it be fixed let me fix it please it’s the one thing I’ve ever been on my knees for please fucking please
Adding to this note every day that I feel like I could do it, I guess to prolong the inevitable? It's kind of soothing but at the same time daunting, because when I stop being able to add new things, I'll know it's time to go. No matter how much you want to die your lizard brain tries to stop you - yet normal people don't really want to die now do they, not in the same way real suicidal people do. You may say "Oh, I wish I was dead!" but in reality, if you had a shotgun and the option to point it to your dome and blow your brains out... would you? See, practically everyone wouldn't, yet if I had that option I would have been dead at least 3 years ago. Would have splatted my brains out like that kid from 4Chan, amazing. That would be quick easy and painless, which ideally is what you want.
Has it been this long since I’ve had this bond?
Lost to where I belong
I don’t ever wanna leave this night
And has it been this long?
Damn, Krule lyrics are one of the few things I actually feel like I can relate to anymore and have done in my whole life. Really does tinker with my head listening to them, used to feel more like I wasn’t alone yet now they just seem to sort of reinforce how I feel. Either way, it’s pure fucking art and I wish I had an accent as beautiful as his (no homo)
This “note” is gonna be jumbled as fuck haha, just adding to it whenever I feel like it and not re-reading shit, maybe before I eventually do it I’ll reread it all and see if I change my mind, I won’t. I mean if you’re reading this then I haven’t have I. What day should I do it though? There’s a lot of choices and sometimes that would be funny as fuck. I mean any day will be funny as fuck, hopefully, it’ll fuck with everyone’s GCSEs or some shit. Do I do it in my birthday week? Like a month away. That seems like the best bet right now, somebody’s birthday a week later though. Man, that’d be a dick move but then and again I’ve tried so hard to fix all that and it isn’t going anywhere so should I really care in the end? I really want to and that's the one thing I believe anymore but that faith isn’t going to last much longer. Why did shit have to go wrong again, I even knew it was coming - the whole “walking on eggshells” and everything. Then what do you know! A few days after that was said it was all ruined. One thing I really wanted to just go fine fucked up man. I think that’s a pretty big sign I’m not meant to be in this world, I don’t know about you?
But before the death is classified as just a sad kid who had a breakup or some shit you really have to understand - I was only planning to die much sooner before that amazing relationship came along, actually on New Years. See, all that relationship really did was push forward the date of my death, instead what happened was we broke up on New Years...instead of me being dead on New Years. See, now I just feel like I’m walking on dead land or some shit, like I should be dead right now yet I’m not because of that relationship, that relationship is now gone. So what am I doing here? It’s a really fucking strange feeling. I guess if it was all fine I would still be alive and wouldn’t be writing this but in the end, it’s not the relationship’s fault because I would have just have died before.
Note is practically just the ramblings of my head, sort of getting everything out that is on my mind but I know it won’t change anything, the amount of times I’ve done that and to the few people who I’ve done it so hasn’t changed anything, this won’t either.
You know I can’t be depressed because I’m “able to smile” and “have ambitions”
That's literally what I was told, almost like I was being told that I was faking it for attention or some shit?
No one knows shit about this only a tiny amount of people, yet I’m now not being taken seriously, literally due to the retards and fuckers like that ugly whore standing up in that shit hall talking about how “Everyone has mental health problems” or how being scared for your exams now means you have “Anxiety” no you stupid bitch that’s normal, name one person who isn’t worried about their exams. I’m called “Manipulative” and “Disgusting” by this same bitch. Shit like this makes any attempts for help futile so why the fuck should I bother with that shit? My own parent doesn’t take me seriously and actually fucking says “Why are you bothering with going to a doctor, you should just speak to your school counsellor”
My school counsellor? Are you taking the piss you stupid cunt? Even one of the fucking teachers recognised how bullshit that shit is and how fake it all is, for little retards like the spastics that fake panic attacks or shit like that. The spastics that scratch their arms and then roll their sleeves up so everybody can see. All of you retards should fucking kill yourselves.
I don’t know if that name to upload music under would be gay as fuck or kind of cool, sort of made it up with a bit of inspiration from my Kingy Krule. An Oozing Facade. I guess I hold up a facade and seem fine to everyone but it’s slowly dripping and having more holes oozing junk out of it. The doctor referred to me as maybe “holding up a facade” which was kind of funny and made me laugh considering I made up this name like 6months before I went. Just a nice coincidence. Music is the one thing I think I would have an ambition for anymore, just something cool about the idea of uploading your work for everyone to see, like a part of you. It’s a really nice idea and one of the only things left that I’m kind of ambitious about, I don’t see it going anywhere though. Too shit with music, to be honest, and it won't go anywhere, can’t live of off making music so I wouldn’t be able to do it forever or anything would I.
I had so many ambitions a few years ago, wanted to become a fucking doctor and do pathology. Now I literally don’t care anymore. There’s no reason for me to want to do it anymore it just feels like a waste of time and effort. I’ve lost all the drive I had to try and make that goal real, went from studying with like 80% of my free time to barely doing any. I just can’t be fucked anymore, a job or grades isn’t going to make me happy, the one thing that has made me happy is gone. So why bother trying for that shit? I just want to sit here and fucking rot doing nothing, but then I don’t want to do that because that’s fucking shit, so why am I here?
The fuck is it with people and saying “suicide is selfish” or other shit, what’s selfish about it? Why shouldn’t people have a choice to end their own lives? It’s their lives if they feel shit about living it then why shouldn’t they be allowed to end it? It’s selfish trying to stop people from giving themselves that choice, if it’s so bad that suicide is what you turn to then it’s pretty fucking bad and for them to have the strength to then end their lives should be all they need. Fuck off is it as easy as just “getting help” and being fixed, shit doesn’t end no matter what. All you might get is some shit pills that make you fucking drool, yeah I really want to live like that. Therapy is bullshit, “worried well” - that’s all it’s there for. Doesn’t do shit, what is “exploring myself” or talking to someone gonna do. I’m fucking writing this and feeling no different so how is shit therapy going to make me feel any different? It’s supposed to make you realise all the good things around you and reasons to live, the thing is I recognise good things around me, I just don’t give a shit about them. The fuck is the point in any of them?
Avicii literally killed himself with a broken bottle, I can kill myself with anything. Overdosing whilst I used to think was the shittest way is actually seeming to be the best right now, purely because it’ll put me through agonizing pain and I feel like I deserve that. I can have my last thoughts as well. If Britain had guns then that would definitely be my go to though, but I can’t be fucked to get a Glock or some shit because honestly, that’s fucking effort that I do not have so I’ll just go with the pills. Do I do it with alcohol or not? I guess it would kind of ease it all because I’d be drunk but I won’t worry too much about that.
You know I legit used to think I was wrong for thinking like this, that I was going to get in trouble or something. I’m only just realising that I can’t get in trouble for fucking shit haha. If anyone reports me or anything what the fuck are they gonna say? Like I’ll just kill myself they can’t do shit about that.
More on alcohol, fuck it, big thing that ruined my fucking shit family. Thing is as I sink lower and lower I find it more and more appealing. Same with any drugs really. If they were all easy as fuck to get I’d be snorting or injecting it all the time because fuck it, anything is better than not being able to think like this. It’s easy to realise why people become addicted now really, not in the same sense as the little faggots at school drinking then posting it on Instagram or some shit, that’s just gay as fuck, but genuine people sat alone doing drugs. That is dodgy, but what is there to stop you from wanting to do that really.
Do I handwrite this out after I’m done with it or leave it all typed and printed? Fucking bare effort to write all this out to be honest, not sure if I can be fucked with that, but then it makes it seem more genuine or some shit doesn’t it. Adds that little moving edge to it knowing that I sat and wrote it out by hand. Should also get that little edge knowing that I’m sat alone writing this right now though, shouldn’t you? I don’t know, if I’m ever in the mood I guess I can write it out by hand but I doubt it, fuck that.
Who WILL get to see this? Hopefully literally everybody, although bits of it is a bit private I guess. I guess everyone should see certain bits cause some shit is aimed at other people. Like no need for everyone to read that fucking relationship banger but I hope everyone reads me calling them spastics for faking mental health, cause that would be funny as fuck and fuck with their heads. Am I a psychopath for enjoying making certain people that upset, like there’s something so fascinating with being able to upset or break someone down that much who really deserves it, simply calling a fat fuck fat might be the thing that they cry over that night, and that is fucking amazing to me. The best bit is, you can’t say shit back to me or do shit back. Fight me? Okay, do you think I care, already hurt myself it’s just more fun if it’s other people. Try and insult me back or make me upset? Not happening, like all it does is make me laugh seeing people turn that desperate and then that fuels me even more. Is all that fucked? Like it isn’t like that with everyone, just people that deserve it, real cunts. So I guess it isn’t that fucked, it’s just sort of like justice really. If I went up to a random person just getting about with their lives then yeah that’s stupid as fuck and that’d be weird, but it’s people that deserve it, so it’s cool right?
I can’t even eat properly. Light as fuck and I can’t do shit about it, after a tiny amount of food I feel like puking all the time. The fuck is wrong with me? I think it’s when I’m nervous or sad, problem being I’m basically at least one of those constantly, nervous is obvious because when you’re nervous your brain is just gonna not want you to eat because you don’t feel safe, but sad? The fuck is that shit, normally its when you feel sad you eat but with me, I don’t eat shit.
>New (after-rumble lol)
Been a long while since I’ve added to this, got reported up and now I’m doing CAMHS shit. Girl who said she loved me is now pretending I don’t exist, has been “advised to.” That’s very helpful and makes me feel so valued so thanks to whoever made that idea up. None of this shit is gonna do anything there’s no point even trying. You know all through this the one person I know really does care is probably my best mate Mason. Honestly the only person I feel somewhat bad about leaving behind, because there is genuine care there. Everyone else doesn’t keep me wanting to live or anything, I honestly couldn’t give less of a shit about how anyone else will feel after I’m dead or anything. I hope most of you feel like shit for a long time to be honest. As grim as it sounds, and I almost feel like I can’t love her when I think this, but Annelie I also hope you feel shit. Mainly because after all I said and all I tried to do,you ignored my desperate pleas, you refused to “try again” - which is funny because there was never anything fucking wrong in the first place. You gave up on me and that made me give up on life mostly. I think this contradicts what I wrote earlier about “don’t feel as though it’s your fault” and shit but I don’t really want to change anything with this letter. It’s what it is and it’s a good way of showing how my stream of consciousness is constantly. It’s horrible and juggled. Going to keep anything I add fairly short now because this is fucking long and I can’t be bothered to write anything anymore. Infact, time to go back to cutting for now.
Only be like a week now until I do it, I’m sure of it this time, like I feel like I have to; it’ll help myself and ease my pain. No more waiting around for help, being told “It’ll get better just hang on.” No. It’s time to finish it, and that finish will be soon. I still can get a hold of pills I believe so that’ll be the way I go I guess, will go out and find a nice spot,maybe the little bridge, will conjure up enough emotions from thinking about the relationship combined with the emptiness I already felt to push me to really doing it. I suppose I’ll do one last attempt at talking to A when I do it but I’m pretty certain that really won’t lead anywhere. Recapping my thoughts on that relationship, it was a catalyst for all this. Everyone seems to agree with that also, like being blunt about it, you broke up with me because I fingered you after you just spoke about going on birth control? You really made it feel like my fault and you didn’t even properly break up with me, just quickly over text after I practically forced you to. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit this all made me feel way worse and I don’t see that ending, especially when now you pretend I don’t exist, ignore all my messages, even knowing I’m sat there burning myself and slicing into my hand and you don’t care. So I give up on that, you’ll likely carry this burden for the rest of your life, and I feel like that’s disgusting of me to put onto you but at the same time you put this burden onto me. I loved you, truly did want the best for you in every way, saw my whole life with you already because honestly you were perfect to me. All that was ruined because you felt guilty about something and didn’t tell me, and if you’re reading this now I should well be dead, and yeah, if that all went well this wouldn’t have happened, because I’d still be hanging onto that. Going to spend the next few days getting everything sorted for the big night, also my birthday in 4 days, everyone leaves the day after, so it’ll have to be within that thursday-sunday. 26th is my special someone’s birthday, guess my present to you is my non-existence anymore, yet it isn’t because well, I still did exist to everyone.
I never used to cry but somehow I’m sat here sobbing half of my afternoons, all alone. It’ll be over soon. Hopefully I’ll go out with inhalants and alcohol with the pills just so I can numb myself as much as possible. I don’t care anymore. I just want it to end.
Last entry I guess, birthday was yesterday, had literally no sense of joy. Been shit so consistently for the past 50 days. Guess tomorrow I get everything sorted ready for hopefully my death Friday. Might add something at the time,we’ll see. Annelie talking to me again, not much though, like she isn’t taking me seriously. “You won’t kill yourself because I don’t want you to” - you don’t really seem like it. Anyway, can’t be bothered to write much, we’ll see how Friday turns.
16th of March
This is the week, no more games.
Everyone is going to feel my pain for the rest of their lives.
30th of March
So somehow I’m still alive but this week is going to be a big 50/50. Will probably be dead on Tuesday, I don’t get what she’s doing. I’m trying so hard but now she’s just ignoring me and just started practically shouting at me before. I’m just like so frustrated and tired and why should I fight these feelings of death for her if she clearly doesn’t give a shit? So fuck this, this tuesday I’m going to do it sat right behind her and she’ll likely even let me do it. Small chance it turns out for good and we’ll actually finally talk properly but I’m not planning for that, I’m planning for my death.
Puked it up on Tuesday, for her. Today I say,
Sean: “Anne,I’d rather be best friends with you again like before than nothing at all”
Annelie: “Well, you weren’t like that before”
Sean: “Is it okay if I am now?”
Annelie: “No, not really”
Sean: “So you’re not going to talk to me?”
*I literally have a breakdown of every emotion in 2 seconds then turn back*
Sean: “Look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn’t care if I was gone”
*she doesn’t even turn around*
Sean: “You can’t even look at me and say it, but that’s what you’re doing”
Only reason I didn’t just go and kill myself at that very moment is probably Charlotte being there to be honest- otherwise I would have lost it straight away.
What have I done to deserve this?
I’m not doing this anymore. Everyone is telling me it’s not my fault, she’s being disgusting and shit but like I can’t help but feel like it is. How does someone go from loving me that much to this so easily I don’t get it and I’m trying to do everything to stop it but I can’t do anything. What’s the point in even trying anymore. I’m not fighting this horrible fight for her anymore, so what am I fighting it for? Fuck it at this point
By the way special thank you to KOA for doing jack shit during all of this and if anything, making shit worse for me. Great safeguarding lead there Ms Rice! Blaming my mum and making her feel like shit yet in reality you made everything worse for me and my ex and didn’t once try to talk to me- you all just tried to avoid me and treated me like a fucking disease. The other bitch I mentioned way before this is Ms Walbridge. Fuck you, you’re a whore. You two fucks shouldn’t have your jobs and you’re both disgusting slags and should honestly fucking kill yourselves.
Going to try to talk to her again, she is responding okay so far so that’s nice at least. Jesus christ I hope all this sorts out.
HAHAHa just as I thought shit might be getting better- finished GCSEs somehow and did decent I feel and started talking to a nice girl; it all collapses of fucking course. And on top of that today my “best friend” has said he can no longer talk to me because he feels we’ve “grown into different people” LOL. Real brilliant best friend that is so supportive right there.
The situation with “Megan D” occured exactly like the previous one with Annelie, like it’s actually insane how repetitive this shit is getting and I’m still really not fucking used to it. The sudden “soz I’m actually scared of a relationship” in five seconds; makes me feel great I fucking love it. Of course I got upset at it and that of course led to me being blocked fuck yes. And now a beautiful text oh ye- everyone is going to fucking pay I can’t be fucked with this shit anymore. Like what is the fucking point? I literally talk to noone now and do I even fucking want to? I have no friends, I actually have no friends at this point LOL
What the fuck is the point of me being alive? Everything I told myself I had to live for is now gone? So what is left? Nothing? All I can live for is to make everyone responsible pay- one at a time each of them deserves to feel how they made me feel and I’ll be fucking sure that they do.
Beth.G + Maddie.P (bitch deserves to beg for her life)
Anais.T and co. (ur all slags and i wanna put a bullet into your jaws)
7th July 2019
I feel so shit. The moment i stop distracting myself with hate or anything it floods into me. I'm all alone now.
I've lost everyone over the whole of this year, nothing has gotten any better and I don't know what to do about it. It feels like everyone has been driven away because I'm ill.
I didn't even know I was ill until a few months ago and I thought wanting to kill yourself was normal until a year ago. What can I do to get rid of this if it keeps making everyone betray and leave me I can't do anything. Even them adults are against me and it's all because I have a mental illness I can't do anything about fuck
I'm all alone
Even my best friend is gone
What have I done please forgive me
23rd July 2019
So numb to be honest, just sort of living in a dream. Can’t cope if I don’t constantly distract myself because the moment I have any sort of free thought I basically break down.
But I’ll try and live with it for now. I guess.
Might “cut off loose ends” soon. Message old people or something. I don’t know.
stay alive to make them pay or just kill yourself and make them all wallow in guilt for their lives no sean you cant you promised you wouldnt but why shouldnt i when theres nobody left to stop me because you promised
31st July 2019
I literally can't sleep and I haven't had this since I was like 12. Can't stop thinking about everything and everyone literally all of them just circling my mind like fuck why have so many people who were so close to me that I loved fucked me over. I can't stop thinking about it. And I doubt any of them have given me any thought since they each left me. I doubt it.
5th August 2019
Jesus christ it’s like 3am and I feel fucking awful. Like fuck me I can’t stop thinking about everyone and shit. The fuck happened I managed to lose everyone. Started with her and ended with him the fuck? What am I still going for now? My mum? The fuck? Games? LOL, that’s kind of sad. But it’s the only thing I have left to enjoy and deep down I only know I’m able to enjoy that because of the fucking antidepressants. Beneath them I bet I’m a real boring husk of shit. And that really makes you wonder why you shouldn’t just kill yourself. I guess we’ll see soon. I am sorry to whatever has done this to me or anything.
Lay me out across the grey
Hours I should have kept at bay
I had no choice to get away
I can't escape my own mistake
Even more when it's sweet to the taste
Red stairs lead astray
I look up and seek for faith
But girl, just lean over and say
Well lay me down
Pull me out
Well take my crown again
He’s submerged in doubt.
2am, can't stop wondering what I did to deserve all this. It's like everyone thinks I'm evil or some shit. Spoke to Anais.T today and she was pretty nice, was pleasant chat and she said after I left school a lot of people spoke shit about me, called me a stalker and shit. How can someone who used to love me watch people say all that shit about me and not do anything.
Think my friends think I never cared about them or some shit, truth is I think I've cared too much, I wish I didn't care about people and I think that's why I act like I don't but the truth is I really fucking do. Everyone who mattered to me meant so much to me like fuck
Mason said to me once that I had to start putting myself first instead of all of them. How can they forget that.
I've always cared.
Annelie was online on steam this morning, messaged her. Few replies then radio silence right now. Jesus my heart and everything is racing, kind of struggling to breathe. I’m staring at fortune cookie things trying to keep positive lol
“You will reap the benefits of your personal magnetism next month”
“Do not lose heart, things will improve within a month”
If stuff gets better next month I might end up becoming devoted to every God out there.
I want to say more obviously but I’m gonna just stop there. I need to take a big breather. My heart and whole body hurts.
Had a massive convo and still are after. It’s been like 3-4hours now. At first it was pretty toxic, her saying I always played the victim and shit but now it's surprisingly chill? So. Idk. That’s nice?
2am now, spoke for basically entire day, friends again yay. That's nice I guess genuinely feel a little bit more free. Just want to fix Mason next. Would like to feel like my best friend doesn't hate me too. At least I've sorted one of the two though.
You know depression is like a cancer in your brain kind of. Like I had a lid on it for so long but the stuff leading up to new years kind of kicked it over and it got out. Then it just grew and infected every bit of me and as it did I got worse and worse and like did more serious shit. But maybe I am having enough control to put that lid fully back on it soon and go back to before. Like my thoughts of suicide are never going to leave me but the intent I think can and I think maybe that might happen soon. Hopefully I can stop adding to this by the end of the year.
Mason blocked me. Not sure what else to do right now. Annelie still talking and that is kind of holding me up a bit. Staring at fortune cookies a lot for motivation which is a bit sad, lol. Annelie said "it will all pan out ok, at least you have someone there now."
That was nice, genuinely felt nice.
2days, 1am right now. So 3sleeps I guess although one of these days won't be a sleep I bet. Keep hoping Sean.
Results day, did okay, 2As and all rest Bs. Considering the circumstances that’s pretty good I guess, been nice talking to Annelie and she’s been real sick and definitely is helping me stick through with it right now. The old gang is still rip. All being pretty toxic, asked how results were and got pretty toxic responses lol. “They were fine? Didn’t think you cared, last thing you said was that I was a rapist and u threatened us at prom”
The fuk u chattin m8
Wtf i randomly told Annelie about msges and she just goes “okay bye, what i said on steam was true” and now isnt replying?!?!?
Wtf is going on man im so fucking scared jesus christ i wanna hurt myself so badly fuck i cant
Clf was alright, bit stressful.
Got msged by charlie.h faking being my friend but constantly saying how amazing annelie and holli are then telling me to fuck myself. Nice. Thanks you two, so innocent.
So this is literally just me saying this is it.
But not in that way.
I'm done adding to this.
I've met the love of my life. It was all worth living through.
I'm never opening this again.
Thank you so much.
Blocked on everything. Ofc. Over an argument because I was annoyed she was cancelling plans last minute. Idek what to do. Was gonna go into Cardiff and kill myself but I've cancelled the tickets. Gonna tell my mum later. My head's a mess. Idk what to do. Maybe I plunge my head into work? I don't know. I'm so tired. Do i deserve all of this?
Yeah, I feel shit. Again. Like it all comes full circle lol. Argument was so stupid, like over fucking train times shit but like it really wasn’t fair either. I couldn’t have suddenly have changed my plans last minute because I literally wouldn’t have been able to go. Said she wanted 2 more hours to study and that if I didn’t agree. I wasn’t supporting her, it kind of felt manipulative, then her friend suddenly takes over and goes “Sadie is crying now, you’ve made her stressed out so I’m blocking you for her, goodbye.”
What the fuck.
Back into the comatose I go- no feeling for longer than 20minutes and just pure studying/creative work.
No feeling. No feeling no feeling no feeling no feeling no feeling
Fully realising how shit most people are- should I stay alive to make everyone suffer in the future? Or wtf?
But not everyone is I have to remember- there’s good people. Bjorn, Gabbie, even Charlotte and Issy are nice irl and that Tom and shit.
Gotta stick through it but fuck me I do fucking hate people. And one day they have to pay they must.
9th of October
Feel shit, denied from access to Bristol, guess it doesn’t matter much but it’s sparked the deep depression in me so guess I gotta hunker down and get used to feeling THIS bad again for at least a week. Gonna try start an EPQ soon but waiting on CLF reply. I kinda hate everyone rn besides few peeps. Kms
10th of October
I feel awful. Starting EPQ though, that’s nice, gonna get them grades yayayayayaya :))))
Fucking hate life, only person I think i care about is Bjorn, thats well like fucking sad in reality like how have I lost so many people and now the last person left doesn’t even know my voice.
Gabbie’s kid apparently died and she’s being strange asf, says she’s in Brighton planning to kill herself which is fucking weird i dont know wtf to do.
Big yeet lil yeet
Added on discord by a random guy saying this was posted on reddit with "wtf is this spastic on about"
Don't believe it was cuz chat is obviously like dodgy but how the fuck are people still obsessed with me? Like what the fuck is going on where people from before are still trying to do shit to me?
I keep feeling like I should kill myself or do something whilst I'm young, so that it like matters and people care or think "there must be something behind it"
I couldn't kill other people though, even though I hate basically everyone I just can't kill people that don't deserve it, people that do? I guess I shouldn't put myself in a position to judge that although deep down most of society does deserve it. I dunno.
From here on it's written knowing that anyone online can see it, although I'll most likely blank that out mentally and carry on writing it as it was before, to keep it honest and to keep it as a pure, authentic insight into what I'm thinking and feeling. This is where the online journal begins, and what you read before I guess was a suicide letter.
Really been enjoying putting the website together and it'll definitely be something that I forever keep up, for as long as I'm here.
If you're even reading this, thank you. It means a lot.
It's been an okay past few days. I've had a weird feeling of not being myself but occupying my mind with things like doing this website. The feeling of not being myself is really strange and indescrible but it does take a lot out of me and bring out pretty extreme thoughts of death. The only way to combat them thoughts is to keep doing something, but isn't that ultimately just a facade. Is my life just a complete lie and my only true self is when I've broken down and can't function properly.
Over the past two or so months I've tried to be as nice as possible to everyone, whilst in the past I despised everyone, I think I like it- it makes me feel good making other people feel good, so atleast I'm not a psychopath. It doesn't really last though. In real life, I'm alone. I have nobody. Thing is I don't know how long that can last before I lose it again, I feel like it's inevitable that at some point I'll go as insane as I was at the start of this year. Only I don't know how I'll react if that happens, I'm more determined to die than ever, I've tried before and failed but my only regret is that it failed, I don't regret attempting. Next time I'm kind of scared it'll be something permanent. Only I'm not scared.
For now, I'm just gonna try to keep to the monotany, try and keep my education going fine and the people I do talk to (albeit online) fine. But at some point, I need people in real life. I need someone to love I guess; a proper thing though, not like the previous horse shit. Someone who really understands me, who is like me. But is there anyone like me; a few I guess but that's a massive thing to hang on for.
Happy Halloween I guess.
2nd of November
Nearly the end of half term, kind of looking forward to it just so I can get a steady workflow again, doing less work and writing less makes me feel shit. Feel like the only thing I really have to live for now is my future job and education. If I fuck that up, I'm gone, because there's not much else. I kinda desperately want someone in my life again. I miss the people from the past.
4th of November
First day of sixth form, full day. I'm going insane again. It's hard to describe but I just felt completely detached. I think I hate people? Like misanthropy? There just isn't good people, noone is. Everyone is fake, everyone is stupid - noone has ever understood me and that's why they left me. Honestly, it would be a blessing to wipe out people. Would they deserve it? I think so. I think many people would, and honestly I'd love making people feel as scared and shit as I do constantly, I'd fucking love it. I can't do that though, although I can't lie, those thoughts are coming back. What the fuck is wrong with me? Am I going manic or psychotic?
6th of November
So, I'm not misanthropic, I talk to people fine- actually some really nice people in my lessons. I just don't really trust anyone anymore. After being fucked over by practically everyone that I once knew in real life; I've given up on that aspect I guess. I don't know when I'll pick it back up again but for now it's honestly too tiring. Education wise, I've been going fine. Had a psychology exam today, seemed pretty easy, people were kinda struggling and leaving blanks and shit but personally I found it pretty easy so that's good I guess. Honestly I think it is best to just focus on that for the next two years. It'll drive me a bit mad and will be isolating as fuck but I can just pickup socialising in real life at university I guess, it'll be way easier then anyway. Fuck teenagers to be honest. Still really greatful for Bjorn, genuinely the one person that I've kept over this year. Been talking to him everyday on voice and it's been great.
Been getting home knackered everyday and napping with my cat, Luna, for a couple of hours, which has been sweet. Apart from that, it's been a boring week and kinda shitty.
10th of November
CBT session was canceled yesterday so didn't have any progress on that. Been getting tons of stuff done for Law and that though so I feel kind of good about that. Started the EPQ and I'm already on the same stage as everyone else after ~30minutes even though they've had an entire term? Am I a genius or are they retarded? Also booked a spot for a law lecture at the end of november so that'll be neat and spoke to career advisor about shadowing a lawyer for a week for work experience. Overall, I actually feel kind of good about Law and my subjects and that- I've never really felt that before, it's probably the Prozac. Sad thing is, this is all I have to really look forward to. I have nothing else in my life really, all my mates are gone and lovers and whatever. All I have is education, and that's kinda sad. If it fucks up or runs out then I'm probably kinda fucked.
For now I'm just going to keep trying and applying for loads of Law related stuff and doing well and shit and just trying to keep my head on that. I do want people though. I'm pretty lonely right now.
15th of November
Had a gig yesterday and to be honest, in a way it made me feel worse. I was looking around and everyone has someone, even just a friend but all the couples and shit too. Just reminded me that I have fucking noone. The fuck did I do to deserve being dropped so fucking hard? All I have left to focus on and look forward to is fucking work and education, how fucking depressing. I don't enjoy anything. I literally want to smash my fucking brains out with a hammer like honestly.
Skipped an EPQ lesson today because they didn't fucking say what room it was in, like thanks. Also seems pretty fucking useless because I can do all the work on my own anyway, that's the whole fucking point. I'm not a fucking retard. Cancelled CBT session after because that's also fucking useless. Been like 4 sessions now and they've been pointless. Tried telling me my SSRI will help with adrenaline? What? Just gonna see a psychiatrist from now on because honestly therapy seems like it's for spastics. It's been so fucking pointless.
It's nearly been an entire year since this shit started progressing to being this bad. This whole entire year has just been a slope of watching my life fuck up. I feel like I should just fix it finally by offing myself, promised myself I'd do that fucking months ago yet here I am, and nothing is keeping me, noone is keeping me; so why shouldn't I?
Fuck this shit.
19th of November
Spent quite a few days just kind of braindead and not thinking about anything, jesus it hurts to think. Spent two whole days sat playing Hearthstone which is kinda sad, but I like having that no thought no care type mind. It's peaceful. I just sit and play and listen to music. It's nice.
New King Krule album soon along with a tour, gonna book that on Friday for London, actually so excited genuinely looking back on the past two years I don't think I've went a day without listening to Krule. So relatable and everything, really looking forward to it.
I'll just try and keep that in my mind to look forward to until then. March 2020.
It's worth waiting for.
why does everyone fucking hate me when I try so fucking hard to be good to them. I've tried so fucking hard to treat people perfectly and make people happy and noone gives a fuck. The fuck is wrong with me man
21st of November
I don't trust people anymore. Everyone ultimately ends up being the same and doing the same thing, because they're predictable. Is it selfish to not help a friend when they're in need because you "have your own problems"? I think so, I think anyone would think so, friends are meant to be there to help eachother through shit right. Everyone has problems at every time in their life, and the good people put them aside to help other people. I know I would and did anyway. Not going to attach to anyone again. I can't because if I do it's so dangerous, I'll end up hurting myself if anything happens again, so it's best not to connect to people. Can be friendly with people, sure, talk in lessons and shit but have to keep everyone at an arms length. If it gets too close then spot the warning signs. Don't let them do it again.
Why do people like being ill? Like so many people enjoy talking about their mental health and physical illnesses at whatever opportunity, like I was in English and we were talking about Mental health stigma around men, so I just spoke up a bit and said a piece on my own experience. Fucking kid literally goes, "Oh my god I wish I was on antidepressants".
What? I nearly lose it but just stayed in my happy composed little facade and smirked, but what a fucking retard. You wish you were on them? Go fuck yourself. Every morning when I wake up and swallow that shit I'm reminded that I'm fucked over for something out of my control that is unfixable. You want that? Sure, I'll swap.
Same kid is non-binary; just throwing that out there.
27th of November
I had a mini lecture at uni of law which was alright and is gonna look neat on my personal statement for uni in the future. Been getting EPQ work organised and sorted which is neat and makes me feel good I guess. Apart from that, alls been shite as usual.
Need a blood test soon as I apparently may have a hormone gland problem like thyroid or some other gland which causes my severe anxiety and potential low moods. Nice. I hate needles so that's gonna be iffy.
Keep thinking about people from the past, Mason and Sadie and that, not so much the real bad ones (Annelie) as I kinda dug them in a ditch in my head, they were proper cunts. Just thinking about the ones who weren't really cunts but just...left? Suddenly. They're the ones that hurt man. And I wonder if they ever think about me or what I'm up to or how I'm getting on or if I mean nothing to them anymore. They're daily thoughts to me, maybe because I'm scared to replace them? I could I guess if I wanted to, I'm easily sociable and have been getting on fine with people in college but I'm just so fucking scared to get close to anyone ever again. There's something with getting that close to me, it makes people back off. They all have. I'm scared of that. Might message them when their birthdays come round as a final goodbye to each of them. I really need to put it to bed in my mind and let myself breathe.
3rd of December
Why do people push others aside for their own self. It's selfish and fucked and yet I've met so many people who have done it. Am I the evil one for not doing it? That's what each of them made me out to be. I care too much, it's funny. Old friends used to always come to me with their problems and shit and I not once found it hard to deal with or found it stressful, I just did my best to help them as best as I could. Yet I've had so many people find me to be so stressful and shit that they've had to cut me out of their lives. How the fuck does someone cut someone out of their life that easily? You're fucked if you do that, you're a cunt. These people deserve to feel shit, they deserve to feel pain- not me, yet I do. So maybe I should start making people feel shit? They deserve it right?
If you're somebody's friend, and I mean truly a friend and say you'll be there for them and all that shit- or lover whatever. Don't you fucking dare fuck them over and leave. It's this weird ass culture we have right now that makes this shit go full circle and makes everyone think it's okay, but it ain't. If you did that to someone you're a callous fuck.
If you did that to someone, you deserve to feel like shit.
And one day people who did it to me will.
5th of December
it's 2am and I woke up 2hours ago and I've been awake since. now the depressive feelings have started and i wanna hurt myself quite a bit, going to take my morning lessons off.
it's sadies birthday and i couldnt rlly resist messaging her. i dont even know what i said really, just good luck and get into harvard for me, she really wanted to go there and that was her dream. idk. she was great, i miss that. i miss mason and them, only one person i can say i dont miss and thats annelie, all the rest hurt man.
if my education messes up at all ill have nothing left. im not scared, it feels like nothing anymore. ive lost everything and everyone. is it because im a cunt idk. but im tired and i wanna sleep eternally really. not have to worry anymore. i want this to stop. really desperately. please.
6th of December
CBT was awful, legit just called her out on how pointless it's been, it does jack shit for me. She kinda panicked a bit and had no clue wtf to say, asked her how we're 6sessions in and nowhere when most people finish CBT in about ~20sessions. "We're still exploring" bruh. Tried telling me I was wrong about there being a difference between mental health and mental illness then apologised when I proved her wrong and got angry. Just fed up. Blood test monday, if it's positive I fix whatever is wrong with my blood/hormones whatever, if it's negative then I get Propanolol.
Really feeling hopeless recently, I'm going a bit mad again and if I lose it like I did in April then I won't be coming back from it, that'll be it.
It hurts to live. There's no root, there's no cause. I just have this feeling of wanting to be dead. How do I go about fixing that when there's no way to tackle it. It's pointless.
I'm pretty fucking pointless.
13th of December
Been an okay week or so. People like me? Like, people sit next to me talk to me all that shit normally. They have been since I started but now I really have realised it. Am I really likeable? I don't understand what's good about me. Quite a few decent girls I could see myself getting close to as well which is always spicy.
Started Propanolol today, hopefully that'll help the anxiety; obviously won't "fix" it but it should help it a decent amount and if it does then I'm set to being confident as shit. I already apparently seem confident as fuck and all that shit as people have said but I don't feel it, so when I feel it jesus.
Got EPQ books now, I probably look like I'm being radicalised with all these Islam books. Gonna start work on it now.
17th of December
Feel kind of bad right now. Who do I talk to when I feel bad? Noone really, I'm lying to myself surely, people don't like me. But then they do in person but I don't have anyone who genuinely wants to talk to me outside of school shit and I kind of want that so bad. Just want affection really. In anyway, friend or love or anything. Just want to be someone to people. Had so many people love me and been so many people's favourites and now I'm fuck all to them it ain't fair.
Scared I'm going to lose my mind again, lying to myself and thinking that I'm doing decent for what's happened won't stop that.
If I lose my mind again then that's gonna be it. I'll end up doing something to myself.
I'll lose it.
18th of December
You know I think popular girl syndrome exists in a way that every popular girl ends up having so many friends that they make themselves believe that they have to live up to a certain expectation and that all their friends in reality don't like them. I've met quite a few of these girls who are exactly like that and it's really strange cause they all say the same stuff. Self harm, why? Cause of my looks. Friends? Only a few of them really care. It's the same stuff on repeat then they believe they have depression. Is that depression though, like as a genuine question or is it just a result of all the social stress they get put under by being under so many people's eyes constantly. Really not sure. They can be fine and go out and drink and do everything completely normal but they all secretly self harm then go back to normal. It's just really different to me so I feel like it's more of a personality thing than a mood disorder, mood disorders seem a bit more persistent? I dunno.
I feel shit right now by the way.
18th of December
Jesus, nearly end of the year. Medication review again today. Lowering the Prozac dose down then trying Sertraline at the start of January. CBT has been cancelled on me, they decided it wouldn't help me which is kinda funny to me in a sad way. Anyway, probably will try leave this until Christmas now. Hoping the new year will be a fresh start and a proper rise up.
25th of December
So, it's Christmas and coming up to 4pm. I woke up at around about 12, bit later than that, which has been the latest I've ever awoken for Christmas, usually it's atleast like 8. Just felt like shit. I think the realisation of how fucked this past year has been fully just hit, it'll probably hit again on New Years. Wondering about how everyone is probably enjoying their lives and all that shit and probably not once even considered me. I dunno. Gonna do some EPQ work because I haven't done much work for the past few days. Then I'll probably just try and relax and chill, might buy some more games, I dunno. Got some girls that I'm thinking of asking out and talking to, don't know any of them at all. Will think about that though, might just not bother, kinda draining and I wanna use all my willpower on work now really. Just wanna get that degree and Law job, otherwise I'm fucked. All I have left really.
27th of December
I'm going on a date next week with this sick girl, we're really into eachother which is a nice feeling. Looks like 2020 might be a fresh start. I hope so. Really hope so.
30th of December
Meeting the girl tomorrow, we've done some intimate shit already tbh and I'm really excited. Does have mood swings where she goes really kinda pissy and I need to learn to deal with other people being stressed because it sends me into a deep worry train. Right now it's like I have 50voices banging around my head telling me to smash my skull in just because someone else is stressed. Gonna try and cheer her up though, seems to be getting a bit happier right now so I'll just try to silence it and put her first. This is a test right God, or whoever the fuck deals with this shit.
Literally 5 minutes later and she's feeling a bit better now. Fucking christ I need to learn to keep a lid on when other people are upset. I go instantly into panic.
ye so relationship nawt wanted, but still loves me and wants to do all the sexual stuff with me- idk im confused but i care about her so i wanna help her with her school stuff and mental health and that. idk what i'll do, could top myself finally, could up the antidepressants and go numb- or as numb as possible. antipsychotics maybe? idek.
half 11, signing off team :)
12 now, i should write a book. maybe i should do that for 2020. like cry of fear style type shit one big phat metaphor. idk
31st of December
New Years lol. fuck my life. it's just making me realise how much of a fucking loop this year has been, really has been the same shit week over and over. Doing some fwb 50shades of gray type shit with that girl now, i think she's got some past trauma or something that makes a relationship seem really hard to her despite her feeling in love with me. She clearly latched onto me for more than sex but refuses to get too serious in fear of something? idek, but i'm just gonna roll with the sex shit and try and make her feel better too, may aswell do that than be completely alone again I guess.
Haha- what the fuck has my life came to. I'm losing myself and my mind. I should get that book started this year so I can just properly remember how I fell. This giant page is enough of a way to show you. Look how romantic I fucking was at the start, now I'm essentially mr Gray. I've lost it. I'm losing my mind haha. I wanna become so fucking numb so I can't feel anything anymore, that'd be fucking great. I'm just gonna lose everything because fuck it mate haha. Will just make sure I keep my education going in a straight line and everything else can go south. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
I should update this near midnight.
11:30 - picked up my guitar like 4hours ago and started making tunes again. idk why, just wanna get shit out. thought of concept for book idea, so ye. wanna get my fucked life out there incase i off myself i think, like i said i would. also will be good to keep my grip on the sanity i do have left cause a lot of shit is tugging at it right now, the strange relationship and school and all that shit along with the past stuff. well, happy new year