4th of January
dating that girl and shes great really. idk it's just a lot more stable, like a fresh year. going on a date tomorrow, looking forward asf to it. gonna try be less pessimistic about shit from now on and try give this girl a proper steady relationship. i have hope. i really do.
I'm gonna try and be a new me.
8th of January
not good- big argument- sayin doesnt want relationship and all that garbo all again and then after a lot of insulting and ya know "i dont care i wanted to hurt you" and all this bs deflection that i could see through she just went "Im scared to meet you because i love you and i havent felt that before" - again. mentioned how i upload the screenshots ever since the situation with annelie and keep my life essentially logged so if i ever hurt myself i wouldn't seem crazy. that scared her i think? and she was like ok ill date you we'll sort this out it'll be fine- a very sudden change from before. it went all of a sudden to "I'll get help and talk to people and we'll get through this, we'll meet friday----but don't touch me please you've scared me a bit." so in my head im thinking it's all a ploy to get me to delete proof of people saying bad shit to me and essentially manipulating me in a way. like shes gonna try and get close to me again enough to convince me to delete it all, that cant happen because its the only thing that proves that what happens to me happened and what people do is real. that'll stop my legacy ever being stained. holy fuck this is all insane and i can't go numb again because I used that up in the summer fuck
9th of January
told her family about argument, cant meet until 16 lol-im losing my mind. condemned to shitness - a la la
10th of January
so idk wtf is happening with me and that girl anymore, dunno if I care (i do but at the same time I'm trying to detach my feelings and stop caring for people so it's hard)- had today off because I actually started talking to myself weirdly and it was like I had some voices telling me to kill myself and do shit and others not? real confusing shit and I'm just gonna ignore that and pretend it didn't happen to be honest. i wonder if I do have some multiple personality disorder or some weird shit because I am volatile as fuck and I do feel like a different person all the time, like I can change to have such a different attitude and persona and everything so quickly and I think that's why people get close to me and leave. Because I have that really nice part of me that is genuinely a good person and it's like omds what a nice guy he's sweet as shit- but then at some point it cracks in a second and I become a dick and that makes people confused asf and wanna dip? No matter how hard I try to keep a lid on it it just completely becomes me.
I spent all of today just trying to make a song, got some chord progressions and stuff going which is alright. Still thinking about that book, just gonna keep thinking on it for a bit cause that's what you should do anyway with a book, until you're sure on the plot innit. School wise? Doing okay still, needa get my EPQ fully done but I've lost motivation so it's a struggle but I'll get it done at some point.
If there's a God would I be fucked so hard?
Hour later, situation with girl is procking in my head, still talking to her for whole days, she's really sorry we didn't just meet originally and that it all turned out messy. Maybe it'll still turn out alright who knows. I dunno. I hope so.
12th of January
Kinda wanna become more of a "who gives a fuck I can end my life at any second" kinda person from here on. Just do what the fuck I want and if the consequences are too bad? Off myself. Kinda easy I guess. Should mean I'll be less stressed overall hopefully. Alright, that was fucking bullshit, I'll always be stressed lmfao. Need to sort out my work experience shit, they haven't fucking replied and they said they would after the deadline which is fucking me off. School is kinda draining now which I haven't felt in a while, but not because of the work or anything but just because I have no motivation. I wanna die really badly, although I guess I'll be cliche and say I'd rather "stop existing" than die. I wanted to die back last year but now it is more just of a "fuck me i cannot be fucked to live rn" kinda thing. Which I mean, that's an improvement I guess.
18th of January
Done with that girl on my end. It's been just a constant back and forth and now we're on "oh i love you, but i don't wanna date you" and wants to fuck and all that still, so no, cya. I'll just keep talking but that's me taking the smart route and realising that this girl is confused and not ready for anything, not someone I'd wanna be with really anyway, need someone who has their shit together to a fair degree. I really need to take a lone wolf kinda mindset with my life again and realise people are ultimately all fucked really. Might keep talking to girls regulary but I'm gonna try and make sure they fall head first before I even start putting faith in any feelings or anything. That would probably be seen as way more attractive anyway, so fuck it. I'll be a heartless cunt from now on.
22nd of January
so everything is back to going really well from the looks of it *touch wood* quite literally everything too. kind of hopeful again I suppose. Making tons of people laugh and shit around college that don't even know me which is cool too, guess I am a funny cunt really and can be normal and liked when I wanna be. Coming up to the end of January and nearly term 4 of sixth form which is a bit spooky but I'm just excited for my driving lessons + the future with certain people really, and myself. I'm excited for Law and all that and I am gonna get that done, I feel motivated too because I actually enjoy it. It's nice. Wow, a positive entry, we have to have something negative so- my dogs being a cunt? that'll do